FANTASTIC PLASTIC

We all have a bag of tricks, don’t we, stashed away for when we inevitably become single again. Well, the other night, after about a month of new-found singledom, I had a little rummage through mine and came across a sex doll that I’d bought as a joke gift for someone but forgotten to give them.

Would I?

Surely not....But on the other hand, this and openly talking to yourself is one of the few perks of living alone. So fuck it, why not.

Pulse quickening, I took off my trousers and inspected the box.  Then I realized the curtains were open and hastily whipped them shut, almost bringing the bar down on my head with the exertion. Blood now pumping, I looked at the box to see that it was ‘The world’s smallest sex doll’. Mmmm, sexy. Not only was she made of plastic, she was also the size of a baby. This was a lot of taboos to break for a Monday. 

Shaking off these unhelpful thoughts, I refocused on the fun and pulled ‘her’ out of the box, tenderly pulling off the ‘hygiene seals’ from her vagina and anus to reveal her pink innards. Things were getting sexy now. Real sexy. Our eyes met. She looked shocked, as if she didn’t know what we were both here to do. I liked it, I really did. I love it when they play innocent.

Now fully unraveled, I located her blow-hole (Blow-up dolphin dolls? Just a thought) and gave her the blow of life. But tiny as she was, she second I took my mouth away, she deflated. Frustrated but undeterred, I got her full on the 4th try. Shit had just got real. And by the look in her unnaturally wide eyes, she knew it.

But even in the pre-heat of the moment, self-preservation kicked in when I noticed that the seams around her vagina and anus looked a bit sharp. Now fucking a plastic doll the size of a baby I could handle, but traipsing into hospital with a cut cock, I could not. Not again. So it was with a heavy heart that I broke the rule I had sworn many years ago never to break, and I rubbered up.

With everything in place, it was time to bring out my A-game, and the porn. Needless to say she enjoyed it. You know I don’t need to say THAT. But I just couldn’t get there. The porn was next to useless because try as I might, I couldn’t get the little plastic doll to look like a flesh and blood, full-sized woman human in my head. And transposing the faces of several ex’s onto her face didn’t work either, because none of them have ever looked as shocked as she was whilst under me.

So after 2 minutes of battling with my mind and plastic, I relented, deflated her, and put her in the bin. Another broken relationship, another day. And London resumed its slow grind onward.